‘The Angry Birds Movie’: Aim this review wherever you choose, let it fly

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LOS ANGELES What do you want from your The Angry Birds Movie experience, precisely?

1. I L-O-V-E that game, sooooo aroused to see it come to life!

Oh good, because The Angry Birds Movie will curl your toes about once every five minutes. Your thumbs will be twitching on the phone in your lap during the course of its explosive finale, where they launch all the birds into the pig’s island city. Oh, and those pigs! If you had a daily compulsion to knock down their cartoonishly vertical builds before , just wait these poison little porkers are PURE EVIL AND WANT TO EAT BABIES. Bash their city down! There’s all kinds of fan service in it it’s actually pretty sweet how they work in the trampolines and the plungers and the slingshot and all the different birds’ special traits and whatnot. You’re going to have a great time at the movies this weekend, and good luck getting your( spouse/ husband) off the iPad afterwards!

2. My kids are building me take them how bad is this going to be?

Relax … it’s fine! You’ll live. You might even enjoy much of it. You’ve played Angry Birds , right? The red one is this really testy, borderline dickish guy( Jason Sudeikis) who doesn’t like any of the other birds, of course, but his deep cynicism and distrustfulness actually help him sniff out the pigs’ plan to steal the birds’ eggs. If you haven’t played the game for awhile, you might wonder why the hell certain things are happening the female bird shoots sparkly, concussive detonations out of her butt, for instance , no rationale given but that’s just the quirks of the game being sewn in for fans’ sake. There are a few really funny widened gags, and the side characters do kind of grow on you. It’s wholly tolerable actually, like the Ice Age movies.

3. My( girl/ boy) friend wants to see it but my referendum is for The Nice Guys

Psst, come here, I’m gonna let you in on a lil’ a secret: Sure The Nice Guys got amazing reviews and all your homies are going to see it but guess what? It isn’t that great .You’re not missing out on much. It’ll be forgotten in two weeks. Same runs for Neighbors 2: But With a Sorority Instead . So here’s your play: Give in this time, and save that chip for next week when you want to see X-Men: Apocalypse and( s) he wants to see Alice: Through the Looking Glass . Trust us on this one, you’ll come out style on top.

4. I do not want to see The Angry Birds Movie

Are they gone? Phew I thought they’d never leave. So, yeah, look, I didn’t want to see it either, but this movie is based on a game that has been downloaded more than three billion times . That is BILLION, with a “B, ” as in billion. There are something like 7.5 billion people on the planet! And this is a website that cover-ups gaming pretty extensively, so someone around here had to review it. Hell, I haven’t played Angry Birds in like five years what grownup with a jay-oh-bee has time for that? so a lot of the reverse-engineered-for-the-movie game references were thoroughly lost on me. But I could tell they had to be game references because they were either that, or the hottest of nonsense. Oh and the big musical number is a nation anthem, if that tells you anything about where they expect this movie to play. You know what? It’s not even wholly bad. If you get stuck watching it on a plane in a few months, it’s not like you’ll be hoping for a bird-strike.

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